Part XI

Harry was released from the infirmary the next day, and Snape was to stay for another week. When Dumbledore's edict about no visitors had been obeyed, Harry had half-hoped that it meant that he hadn't gained any more notoriety from recent events. Unfortunately, when he got back to his common room, everyone stopped talking to stare at him.

"What," Harry said, still tired beyond belief. He looked back at Dean and Ginny, both were sitting by the fire, gazing at him. 

Ginny got up and came forward. "We're glad you're okay. We heard you'd been injured when you killed You Know Who."

"His name was Voldemort," Harry said softly. "He's dead now and you can say it."

"Sorry," Ginny looked down.

"No. I am." Harry sighed. "I'm just tired."

"Can you tell us about it?" Seamus asked, coming across the room to stand next to them.

"Yeah, no one has said anything," Allison came over to them, too. "We all want to know what happened.

And that was the last thing Harry wanted to talk about right now. "Can't it wait? I mean..."

"No. Come on," Allison insisted. "We only heard the announcement from Professor Dumbledore."

"He must have given you some of the details." Harry inched away from the door, as more of his house mates came into the room. He wondered if he could make it the stairs before they suffocated him.

"All he said was that you..." She took a breath and squared her shoulders. "That You...er...Voldemort was dead and that you killed him."

"I didn't do it alone. Without Snape, I would have been dead." In more ways than one, Harry added to himself.

"Yeah, I'll just bet he was so very helpful. Just like he always is." Dean snickered loudly and several others joined in. "Why would you let him have any of the credit? He'd never give it you."

Harry was too tired to muster the righteous indignation at Dean's comments, but he gave it his best shot, annoyed beyond reason that they would try to try to negate that Snape was there and deserved credit. "It was his wand that dealt Avada Kedavra." 

"You used his wand?" Ginny looked at him disbelievingly. "I didn't think that was even possible. How could you?"

"I didn't exactly use his wand. It's hard to explain." Harry didn't want to either. Because one explanation would lead to another. Glancing at Ginny, he caught her eyes, and tilted his head, hoping she might understand.

Ginny nodded slightly. 

"Can't you tell us anything?" Seamus asked. "We're your mates."

"I know." As Harry took another step towards the stairs, Hermione and Ron came into the room through the portrait. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so grateful for anything. 

"What's going on?" Hermione said in her best Head Girl voice. "Can't you see Harry's flagging? He's supposed to be in bed." 

Ron put his hands on his hips and glared all of those surrounding Harry. "Come on, let him be. You know he's been through a lot."

Feeling a bit light headed, Harry moved towards the stairs up to the boys' dormitory. He reached out and grabbed the banister.

"Are you all right, mate?" Ron asked, his voice sounding loud in Harry's ears. He put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Yeah," he lied and could tell by Ron's look that he hadn't been believed. 

"Should I get Madame Pomfrey?" Hermione asked, putting her arm around Harry's waist and seemed intent on helping him up the stairs.

"No. I'm just tired. I didn't expect an interrogation when I got back here."

"I know. I'm sorry we weren't here." Ron also had his arm around Harry's waist.

His two friends got him into bed. Harry was more grateful than he could say. 

"You know, mate, you're going to have to say something to them."

"I know, but not right now. Okay?" Harry looked pleadingly at them. "I'll do it when I feel a bit better."

"What's wrong exactly?"

"I'm tired. It took a lot of energy to kill Voldemort."

Hermione met his eyes. "How did you do it? I didn't think Avada Kedavra would have worked on him."

"The regular curse mightn't have. But when I channeled my power through Snape, it did work." Harry saw understanding come into Hermione's eyes.

"By using both of your powers you made it exponentially stronger. I was right about the spell working for you." She looked down. "I'm not sure it would have been as good if it were me and Ron sharing magic with you."

"I don't know." Harry lay back against the pillows. "I think it might have. It would have been different. The real problem would have been that we would have all had to be in the same room with Voldemort. I think I'd prefer that you both were safe."

"We would have been honored to stand with you," Ron said. He looked fierce and determined, but then he looked at Hermione. "But --"

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "But."

"You should sleep, Harry." Hermione pulled his duvet up and tucked it around him. 

He smiled up at her. "Thanks."

"Let's get out of here, Ron, and let Harry rest."

"Hey, this is my dorm room, too, you know."

"You're not ready for bed yet, are you?" Hermione smiled at him, and he blushed.

Harry chucked to himself as she led Ron out. They were sweet together.

*****

"You're to be awarded the Order of Merlin, first class." Dumbledore smiled at him as he took a seat in front of fireplace in the office. "I'm very proud of you."

"What about Professor Snape?" Harry folded his hands over his chest. If they thought they were going to honor him and not Snape, they all were going to find out just how wrong they were. 

Putting a hand on his shoulder, Dumbledore laughed. "Oh, he's getting one as well. You needn't worry about that."

"Just so." Harry sighed. "When?"

"When Professor Snape is released from the infirmary. Next week, I suspect." Dumbledore took a seat. "Would you like some tea?"

He knew Dumbledore too well. "Yes. Please," Harry said, giving him a suspicious look "The tea or the medal isn't why you called me here, is it?"

Dumbledore continued to smile at him, but some of the brightness dimmed. "Quite right, my boy. There will be questions about how you killed Voldemort."

Harry took a sip a tentative sip of the tea Dumbledore handed him. "What kinds of questions?" The expression on Dumbledore's face was making him nervous. "Is there going to be a problem?"

With a sigh that sounded a bit more worried than Harry would have liked, Dumbledore shook his head. "I don't think so. However, I'd like to keep your relationship with Professor Snape as far out of the limelight as possible."

Harry tilted his head and looked at Dumbledore. That didn't sound like a bad idea to him, either. "I'm sure it would cause problems."

"It could very well." 

Given all the things he and Snape had done together, all the nights he'd slept in Snape's bed, even if they hadn't done that - - Harry doubted anyone would believe that they hadn't -- he could well imagine the problems, for both Snape and the Headmaster. 

He met Dumbledore's eyes, steadily. "What can I do to protect him?"

"Say as little about your relationship as possible and nothing at all about the blood bond." Dumbledore took a sip of his tea and set it back in the saucer.

That sounded like good advice to Harry. "All right, sir. I used Professor Snape's wand to channel my power. I'm not sure what to say about that."

"You can tell them that, but don't mention the power sharing."

"Looking stupid when they ask me something I don't want to answer will be a good idea, too?" Harry would do what he had to protect Snape. "Are you going to let him talk to the press?"

"To be truthful, I doubt they will want to speak to him."

"I think that is unfair. He's as much a hero as I am."

"I know that. But in this case, putting you out front is going to work in our favor." Something in the way Dumbledore said it, pressed against Harry's brain.

"You forced them to give him the award, didn't you?"

Dumbledore was silent. His eyes didn't meet Harry, and he had his answer. Rage seethed through him. "How dare they? That is completely unfair."

"It is. But Professor Snape has made a lot of mistakes in his life, and people are not so ready to forgive them."

"He's done his penance. He's paid for his crimes." Putting his teacup down, Harry glared at him. "Don't you think so? He should be--"

"Harry." Dumbledore held up his hand. "I do think so. He's paid for his crimes, many times over."

"All right. I'll do the press stuff and we'll keep Professor Snape out of it." God, how he hated being in the limelight, having to talk to people, answering inane questions. 

"Good boy." Dumbledore, having got what he wanted, smiled at him. 

Harry let out the breath he'd been holding. 

*****

"Why didn't you tell me it would hurt you?" Harry asked, indignantly as he sat down on the bed in Snape's quarters. "I would never have tried it."

"Do you actually think I would have suggested it if I'd known it would hurt me?" Something in the way he said it made Harry actually look at Snape.

Although Snape met his eyes, Harry wasn't sure he believed him. He couldn't feel anything coming from him, so Snape was blocking him. "Stupid git."

"Have a little respect, Mr. Potter." Snape's tone was admonishing, but not overly sharp.

"Sorry, sir," Harry said, looking down and trying for contrite. And failing. "But you are. I know you'd rather not be bound to me--"

"Mr. Potter, I should think, that if it were possible to break the bond, you would wish for it to be done." Snape still wasn't letting anything come across, but Harry could tell by the tone of his voice that maybe he didn't actually want to break it so much as free Harry.

"I don't want to be free of it. Not now." Harry looked pleadingly at him. "I want--"

"No. You're a fool." Snape's tone was harsher than it had been in some time. "You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need to spend it bound to... me."

"Well, I am. I'm not going to kill you to get rid of it either." He glared at Snape, finally beginning to understand what Snape was saying. "Now that I've fixed it, I doubt I'd be able to break it."

"You shouldn't have fixed it so well." Snape's tone said he was relieved it was fixed, even as he continued, "If you could break it--"

"No." Harry held up his hand to forestall anything else Snape might want to say. "Do you want to go back to hating me?"

"I doubt that would happen." Snape lips turned up in that almost smile, he sometimes had. "If you will remember, I didn't hate you to start with." 

That was all well and good for him. "But I did hate you." Harry glanced at him, but Snape wasn't reacting to that. "I don't want to go back to that."

"You wouldn't. What we feel for each other, whatever it is," Snape took a breath, "is not caused by the bond. It's an effect."

"How can you say that?" Harry looked at him and shuddered at the memory. "I hated you. And then I didn't anymore."

"True. However, you grew to love me. It wasn't magical. It didn't just happen. Those feelings wouldn't change. For either of us." Snape didn't sound a hundred percent sure of that.

"Then why would you want to break the bond?" Harry asked, confused. "I thought you wanted to be shut of me."

"No." Snape shook his head wearily. "I wanted to break the bond so that you could come to me freely. If you choose to do so. There would never be any question in your mind."

He got it. "The result is the same."

"Only because I explained it to you."

Harry thought about that for another second. "Now that you have. It does make sense." At least Snape didn't really want to be rid of him. Or maybe he just wanted to believe that. 

"You are not so stupid after all."

Harry smirked at him. "Of course I'm not."

"There are times Mr. Potter when I wonder."

*****

"God, Hermione." Harry sank down against the tree he'd found her sitting under, a few weeks after the awards ceremony. "It's good to see you."

"Harry?" She closed the book she was holding quickly and turned it over. "What are you doing here?"

He glanced at the book again and then at her. What was she hiding? "I saw you by yourself and I was hoping to talk to you... " he trailed off. "I can leave if this is a bad time?"

"No. No." Her smile seemed forced. "I was just... revising for my NEWT... in..." She sighed and looked up at him.

"It's okay, I won't ask. I promise." Harry was relieved it wasn't him. "I just want to see a friendly face that doesn't want something from me."

"Is everyone giving you a hard time?" She sounded concerned.

"You have no idea." Harry sighed again. Having people in awe of him was much worse than having them ignore him, or think ill of him. "I've had marriage proposals from six witches, only four of whom go to this school. And three wizards! I've been asked on dates by everyone you can think of. Everyone: including Draco bloody Malfoy."

Her eyes grew wide with that. "Malfoy! He'd be the last one I thought would be pleased that you killed Voldemort -- given his family and all."

"Seems he didn't want to take the dark mark, and had been putting off telling his father about it. Now, he doesn't have to. He's grateful, or so he tells me." Harry shivered. Malfoy was beautiful in a cold, forced kind of way.

Clearly thinking the same thing he was, Hermione shuddered dramatically. "I wouldn't want him that grateful."

"Even if I weren't... you know," Harry said, feeling vaguely nauseated by the idea of dating Malfoy. "I wouldn't either."

"Ewww..." She laughed. "So, aside from that--"

"I'm not done yet." If he were going to complain, then he was going to get it all out. "It's worse with the younger ones. They're following me around." Harry nodded his head towards a group of first and second years, standing off to one side, but keeping their eyes on him. "They've asked for my autograph! I can't believe that."

"It's tough being a hero." She ought to sound more sympathetic than she did. 

"They don't treat Snape like this."

"They're too afraid to." Hermione looked down. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're much cuter than Snape and so--"

"Yeah. Sure." Harry shook his head. He was a lot of things, but cute was not amongst them. "Besides, Snape isn't that bad looking."

Her expression didn't change, he had to give her that, but her distaste was telegraphed just the same. "You've got to admit you're a bit biased on that subject, don't you think?"

"Perhaps." Harry looked down and caught sight of the book Hermione had been reading. Curious, he turned it over. The Joy of Wizarding Sex. His face heating, Harry looked back up at her.

She closed her eyes and sighed. "Harry--"

"I'm sorry. I always do that, don't I?"

"Yes." She sighed again. "It's okay. I wanted some information."

"About?" He looked at the book again. "Oh, I guess I don't need to ask that. Why look that up in a book, though. I thought, that you know, if you and Ron..."

"Because sometimes, having a little knowledge goes a long way." Hermione glanced out at the lake. "Besides..."

"What?" He put his hand on hers. "You can tell me."

"It didn't go at all well. I mean the first time..."

"Did he hurt you?" Harry didn't want to come between them, but he'd have a talk with Ron if he had to. 

She nodded. "He didn't know anything more than I did. I should have done this first, then at least one of us would have had a clue. I'm hoping that maybe it will be better next time." Her tone said there wouldn't be too many more next times, if it wasn't.

"That's a very good idea." The image of Snape's face as he said, Surprise me, had imbedded itself in Harry's mind and fueled his fantasies since it happened. He could use a bit of advice on this subject, himself. "Do you think they have books on gay wizard sex?"

"Of course they do." The look she gave him said if he ever read anything he'd already know that.

"How would I get one?" He could feel himself blushing harder. "I mean, I'm thinking that's not going to be in the library, even in the restricted section."

"The basic sex books are in the library. It's part of the curriculum."

"Yeah, but that was just how it all works from a reproductive stand point. Not actually how, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I got this in the bookstore in Hogsmeade last weekend. I'm sure there are books you can use there too. Shall we go next Hogsmeade weekend?"

Not at all sure he'd have the courage to do it at all, he shook his head. "I think I need to do this by myself."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded. "Yeah. But thanks."

*****

"You do realize, Mr. Potter, that school will be over in less than two months," Snape said as Potter settled beside him on the sofa in his sitting room. 

The sly smile on Potter's face sent a shiver of anticipation through Snape. "Don't think I don't know that very well, sir," Potter said in a low voice.

Snape forced his mind away from where Potter clearly intended it to go. "Time enough to consider those things when we can do something about it. That's not what I'm talking about, however."

"Too bad." Potter turned to look at him and gave him a sultry look. "I'm still working on those plans."

"I was thinking of your long-term plans," Snape said, and then shook his head at Potter's renewed interest in the subject. What would you like to do with your life?"

Looking down, Potter's cheeks were flushed. "I don't know. I did think that I wanted to be an Auror, but I am not sure anymore."

"Why not?" From what McGonagall had told him, and from his grades, Potter had a better than fair chance of making it into the training program.

"Killing Voldemort bothered me. I know I had to do it and I would do it again, but I didn't like it. There was no satisfaction or pleasure in it." Potter sounded as if he were surprised by it.

"As well there should not be." Snape understood too well what he was saying. "Killing, no matter what the reason, should never be easy."

"I've found out," Potter said quietly, his upset apparent. "Everyone is so bloody pleased with me. No one seemed to understand that I killed someone -- bad and awful though he was. I still ended his life."

"Why haven't you spoken of this before now?" Snape asked. It had been three months since they had defeated Voldemort.

"I've tried, but no one wants to hear it." Harry made a frustrated movement of his hand. "Ron and Hermione and just about everyone else all think I've done this great thing. And maybe it was the right thing, but--"

"But it still hurt you to do it?"

Potter nodded.

"I understand." Snape put his hand over Potter's. He rarely allowed himself to touch, but now seemed appropriate. "Tell me what you're feeling?"

"Like I shouldn't be happy. Like I'm not sure I did the right thing, even though I know I did." Potter met his eyes. "Like I want to throw up."

"The first time I killed a person....." Taking a breath, Snape felt a shudder run through him, and Potter both. "Without the reason that you did, and I was sick to my stomach for a week. I've never forgotten it."

"What happened?" Potter asked, his voice earnest. 

"It was not something heroic, nor something that I am proud of." Snape looked away, his stomach starting to roil. "I created a potion for the Dark Lord, something that killed rather nastily, and he used on someone he thought was a spy."

"Oh. Was he?"

"No. He would have exposed me as such had I not acted. I had information that was essential to the Order." Snape took a breath, and didn't look at Potter. "I've told you, many times, Mr. Potter. I am not a nice man."

"I suppose you have a lot of that in your past?" There was surprisingly little judgment in Potter's voice. Between what he could ascertain from the bond and as often as he'd been a party to Snape's nightmares, it wasn't any wonder that he understood at least some of what Snape had done.

"As I'm sure you realize, a great deal more than I wish." Snape looked straight ahead, not allowing himself to look at Potter.

"Have you ever killed... directly?" His voice was low, as if he knew the answer and simply wanted confirmation.

"Yes," Snape said, giving it. "Not often, but enough. I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind." His many crimes haunted him in all their awfulness, so much so that he was unlikely to ever forget. Not that he wanted or deserved to forget.

"All right. But you can see that being an Auror might not be the best of career choices for me." Potter seemed willing to let the subject go, for which Snape was grateful.

"I think you would succeed at it." At Potter's look, Snape decided that the subject was closed. "Do you have any other interests?"

"I have plenty of interests, I just don't want to do them for a living." Harry sighed. "I don't know what I want to do."

"Perhaps you would like to travel for a time after school is over." Snape smiled at Potter's startled look. "I think it would allow you to see more of the world than you have thus far in your life."

"Since I've never been anywhere, seeing anything would be a novelty." Potter beamed at him. "I'd like to see the world."

Which led to the question, "I know you were left some money by your parents--"

"Between what my parents left and what Sirius left me, I probably don't ever need to work. But I couldn't live that way."

"I understand. I feel the same way," Snape said, recognizing that Potter would want to do something meaningful with his life.

Looking at him carefully, Potter seemed to assess the situation and come to a conclusion. "You don't need to work either."

"You seem surprised by this." Snape sighed. The Occlumency lessons had given him a skewed view of Snape's childhood. "My grandfather was quite well off. He died after my father, so I inherited everything."

"I see."

"You don't. I'd rather not go into that now, either." All of his relationships with his family were complicated and fraught with problems. Someday, perhaps he'd explain it to Potter.

"Fine." Potter's expression was disgruntled, as if he felt it were his right to know. He focused back on Snape. "If you don't need to teach, why do you do it? I've always thought that you hated it. Or at least the students."

"I detest it." There was no arguing with the truth. "I do it because Hogwarts has been safe haven for me, and the Headmaster my protector."

"Now that Voldemort is dead, what are you going to do?" Potter looked at him. "What would you like to do?"

Very few people in his life had ever asked him that question, and fewer still had cared about the answer. He did have a few ideas, most of which had to do with his own laboratory. "I suspect that has a lot to do with what you want to do. However, I've tendered my resignation. Whatever else happens, when this term ends, I'll no longer be teaching."

There was understanding in Potter's eyes as he nodded. "Good. That means, you can come with me on my trip."

"You're joking," Snape hadn't meant to sound as surprised as he did. "I would think that you would wish to go by yourself."

"Don't you want to come with me?" Did the brat have to sound so hurt?

"It isn't a matter of that. You need time to..."

"What?"

"Grow up a bit. Have a bit of fun, perhaps." He got the words out by force.

"No. I need time to learn about the wider Wizarding world, but I don't have to do it alone. I've been alone most of my life." He took Snape's hand. "We're in this together, you and I, and it's going to stay that way."

"Mr. Potter--" 

"Deal with it, sir." Potter brought Snape's hand up to his mouth and kissed the back. "You're not going to be able to get rid of me." 

"Stubborn brat." Although he wouldn't admit it to Potter, he would be thrilled to accompany Potter. 

"Yes. That would be me." Potter leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the mouth, pulling away before Snape could respond.

"None of that."

"Only two more months." Potter's eyes lit with a hint of mystery. 

He was planning something, of that Snape had no doubt. A shiver ran through him, but he said nothing. 

"You know--"

"Don't say it." Snape put his hand over Potter's mouth.

The brat licked his palm. Snape couldn't decide if he should be outraged or amused.

*****